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Thirty
Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat [and] the redeeming things are not “happiness and pleasure” but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle. - Scott F Fitzgerald
I turned thirty last week. Thought it would be interesting to capture my current sense of thinking about the various areas in my life. A la “state of mind.”
Thirty is not old, but it’s definitely not young. I’ve heard people say that their 20’s is the best decade of their life, but I don’t agree. I really enjoyed my 20’s, but knowing what I know now, I’d rather be here now.
For example, it’s silly, but one thing I used to worry when I was 23 was that I wouldn’t (or shouldn’t) go to clubs in my 30s. I worried that I won’t be able to enjoy my music as I did back then. Fast forward 7 years, and THANK GOD I don’t like to go to clubs anymore. It’s probably one of the worst experiences I could ever have while paying a lot to spend time in a crowded room. I still enjoy the music and it’s been replaced with loud music on good speakers in my living room while cooking. Sometimes while sipping a beer. Sometimes alone.
Maybe that’s how most age related worries turn out to be. Illusions. Things like physical appearance, physical agility, money, sanity and a sense of belonging. Or maybe I’m in denial telling myself everything is going to be okay. I don’t know, but what choice do I have anyway?
Work
In my first week at Google, I read an internal post by someone describing Google as a ‘deeply magical place.’ He made a very logical reason for why he thought so, but I couldn’t help but think that this guy was addicted to the Kool-Aid. I’m 6 months into the job, and I now too think that Google is a deeply magical place. This deserves a post on it’s own, so I won’t go into the details here but I’ll say this much - almost all work related problems I have right now are all ‘first world problems.’ If I ever genuinely complain, I give full liberty to the Humility Fairy to smack me on the head.
I think I have a fairly good idea about what is important for me at work. No, it’s not about learning the next cool programming language. It’s more modest than that. Find interesting things to do. Have the courage to stretch myself as much as possible, but not take myself too seriously in the process. Easier said than done.
Body
I feel pretty good about my body. I still give 100% to every workout, every day. But I notice my body is taking longer to recover. I can’t think of doing two workouts a day during the weekends anymore. Maybe it is my body, but maybe it’s just that my head has not been in the right place. Since we moved so many places over the last year, I haven’t been able to commit to a goal to focus on. I’d like to think that it was a blessing in disguise cause I have discovered track sprint training, Rocket Yoga and core strengthening body weight stuff which I wouldn’t have focused otherwise. Staying physically fit was much easier when having a routine.
My mindfulness practice has been a total game changer in the last year. A lot less autopilot and therefore a lot more living with purpose. Meditation has calmed the mind and brought clarity amongst the brain chatter. It has allowed to me to visualize what I need, reason why and silently go get it. I am quite far away from any sought of sustained stability but I like where this is going.
Relationships
My roller coaster cart is starting to slow down and I finally feel like I can make some time to write again. Kristina and I left New York in October of last year thinking we would never live in New York again. We had endured enough of the miserable winters. We picked Austin and off we went. We sold everything we owned, except for 5 boxes and 2 suitcases and stood at my brother’s doorstep in Texas. We moved back to New York after exactly 4 months of living in Austin. Not because we didn’t like Austin. In fact, we’ve scoped Austin as a place we might eventually end up in. I got offered a job at Google and I couldn’t say no. Thankfully, my lovely supportive wife agreed and here we are. We ended up staying at 5 different places during the round-trip including my brother’s for a couple of weeks and a temporary place for 2 months after we were back in New York City. By far, the biggest thing we missed about New York were our friends. It’s amazing how much your quality of life can improve when you know you are around people who have your back. They make the roller coaster of change doable, and even fun.
Nothing makes me more happy than being beside Special K. It’s the one thing I look forward to everyday coming back home. I try and avoid spending time with people I don’t like and be around people I do like. Other than enjoying a workout the most fun thing to do these days is have a conversation with my closest friends over a meal or a picnic in the park.
“We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life. All that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.” - Albert Einstein
The overarching feeling is a sense of extreme thanks.
Extreme thanks for being at the right place at the right time. There’s no longer a feeling of looking for happiness (at least not consciously) or a goal to “be happy.” I feel like I am already there. The finish line is behind me, and everything I could have ever known to ask for, I already have.